Once a Runner

Stockholm Syndrome

I just had bladder surgery. It's been an incredible, eye opening experience for me in just how whiny I am. I'm kind of amazed that Heavenly Father hasn't struck me down with lightening, or a car for that matter...

This is something that I've need to be taken care of for YEARS. I'm talking since childhood, and please know how very happy I am that medical science has come so far so that I could get my bladder fixed with out much fuss, without an extended hospital stay, with no more than 6 stitches. (That I can see.) With no more pain than 3 days worth and cured with Advil for the most part.

Easy Pee-zy! (pun intended)

So why the whiny? I have essentially a new body part. It has to learn to become part of my body community, scar in so to speak. So as part of the assimilation process, I can't run, can't lift anything heavier than 10 pounds, can't do yoga, squats, jump, cough too much, do the Physical Therapy I need for my leg injury, can't help my children sled, or even pick out my turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. I can't vacuum my house or put my Christmas tree up. Basically if it requires bending, lifting, moving fast etc...I can't do it. I'm trying to be very diligent because almost half of these surgeries don't work, and I'm trying to do all I can to make this work.

What has been particularly hard on me is the lack of running. My entire life revolves around my morning run. Every day but Sunday. I get up at 4 the morning, one hour earlier than my run time so that I can take my asthma medication, and an Advil. Read my scriptures, say my prayers and eat a little breakfast, so that I can(finally) go outside and run, and run faster, and run stronger. (And breathe and meditate, and think, and breathe, and focus, and plan, and enjoy, and breathe...) It is for me more effective than any drug a doctor could prescribe to help handle my depression and my inability to focus my mind. It quite literally does for me what I can't do on my own. That being said...I have to abstain for 6 weeks. Needless to say, I'm not getting up at 4 am to read my scriptures, OR pray. I'm rolling out of bed later, and later each day because the one thing I CAN do is walk on a tread mill, slowly. It is just not enough, or the same, and it's just not something I want to do. Need to do is not something that crosses my mind.

This is were the eyeopening part of this experience come into play. What a selfish child I am and NO WONDER Heavenly Father sends me trials! I've blogged before about how I don't rest well, and it is evident this time around that I don't. I've been trying to open my scriptures more, and I've definitely been praying, but I think the nature of those prayers needs to change. I've also been trying to think of things I'm thankful for everyday. Sometimes that is so hard especially when under the dark clouds of winter and depression.

Here is the end of this sad post, and hopefully some redemption...Two things I'm VERY thankful for that will keep me going everyday for three more weeks. Once a runner, always a runner, I know the day I'm released I'll be right back on the track working on a personal best. (Please let me never lose a leg. Thoughts for another posts.) AND, second, I can sneeze with a very full bladder without peeing my pants!

Maybe the time will go faster now.

Liam's Pirate Boggie! Day 2: At Butt Crack Junction

So just a little more Liam. I swear I have more kids but he takes the cake, hence the reason for the sharing...

Enjoy this little window into the dance studio that is our home.

How Liam Steals the Show

I just found this going through the Halloween Pictures. I believe this was while I was upstairs helping Elleory with her costume, and putting mine on. I've been trying for WEEKS to get Liam to dance for the camera, and here it is folks...The Pirate Boogie.

Liam...

Scissors...


HAIR...


AGAIN...


Need I say more?

THE Briar Patch

We are at my parents home visiting for a couple of weeks. I get so excited about the littlest things about being home. Weeding a garden, (I hated this as a kid) getting a chore from my Dad, (also not a childhood favorite) mowing fields, (this has become exponentially cooler as an adult, and with the introduction of the riding lawn mower...) etc. But today I realized, it's the clothes line I love the most here. It's probably the COOLEST thing about living in the middle of no where. Today the wind is blowing, which I hated as a kid, but I'm doing laundry and I'm planning on hanging the clothes out to dry. They will come in as stiff as a board, and I'm excited about it. I've learned how to cheat a little and stick them all into the dryer with a softener sheet for about five minutes when they are done on the line and that helps with the stiffness. But the smell is the kicker. Fresh air on clean laundry! I'm so excited I can hardly wait for the washer to be done.

I love the silence. I've forgotten how much I miss that. AND as I have become a mother I've discovered the coolness of telling the kids to shut off the wii, and "go play outside".
(My folks have a wii, WE do not have a wii, and WE will not EVER have a wii...
"ahhhh, Mom!!" "Sorry!" (NOT!) just can't bring myself to introduce brain rot to my kids)
Right now the kids are up painting the play house, with real paint. A chore from Grandpa. They are in kid heaven. Red Paint! They are making enough noise to scare away the neighborhood bear, and the Deer that now come right up to the house to eat my Mom's flowers, right out of the pots. Deer! As kids growing up here, we made so much noise they only came around in the very early hours of the morning to munch on the grass, and now my parents instead of thinking of them as beautiful visitors, consider them to be pests. How things change.

I do miss the dog. But the cat brought home a rabbit for her dinner just yesterday and left just the hind legs out on the porch for Mom and Dad as a present. My kids were horrified. Just part of the circle of life, I explained to them. It's such a different education here.

I'm so enjoying my time here!

This is my Briar Patch...So PLEASE MISTER! Don't throw me in the Briar Patch!

VooDoo Magic

Stockholm Syndrome

So just a quickie... I saw my wonderful Dr. today about my knee. It isn't ligaments or tendons damaged. YAY! It's just a super locked up joint. So a visit to the chiropractor and it SHOULD be as good as new!

I feel like I've been given a death row reprieve! I can run again with no pain soon!


VERY VERY HAPPY!

Checkin' One Offa the Bucket List!

Stockholm Syndrome

Yesterday I ran my first Half Marathon. It was a great day. I realized as I drove home that I'm FRESH OUT OF GOALS! Not a good feeling for me. SO, I 'm going to keep that one ON my Bucket List and add a disclaimer....Run a Half Marathon (every year).

Lemme tell you about it! My goal was to run 13.1 miles in 2 hours and 15 minutes. I set out to train in late March with 2 other friends, right away, I got injured.

First, my Dr. found arthritis in my knees. She got that "fixed" very quickly. I had fluid shot into both knees (with needles!) once a week for three weeks. Not as bad as it sounds because I was running pain free.

Then I strained my Soleus Muscle in my right leg. After a month of not running and almost complete PANIC, I decided to just take Advil and run. My great Dr. decided that it wasn't indeed my calf muscle that was still causing pain at that point, but my spine and I was getting residual pain in my legs. I'm happy with that explanation and I'm sticking with it.

Then, for 4 weeks I ran with no pain in my legs, but with a severe lung infection. Finally that cleared up, but, about 3 weeks before the race everything (by which I mean EVERYTHING) went bad. Swelling hip joint, ligament pain in my knee, nerve pain in my legs...Back to the Chiropractor, Dr, PT...everybody. Back to the medicine chest... Back to resting and not running.

PRESS THE PANIC BUTTON PLEASE!

Here is where I tell you that prayer and Aleve work wonders. (And maybe rest, but I HATE it, so I'm not a good advertiser of rest.) This last week, I was to the point that my knee hurt at mile 6, so if I could pound it out until then, I could suck it up, slow down, and easy run the rest. That was my game plan, and exactly what I did the day of the race. I ran 13.1 miles in 2:12:39, and I'm PLEASED AS PUNCH with myself. I didn't do it alone. I had my two friends most of the way, and when I was alone (you can only expect your faster friends to stick out slow for so long, before you say "see you at the finish") I had my Heavenly Father. I pray when I run...it helps with the pain.

So would I do it again? Probably not this week, I got some killer blisters that need to heal, but next week? YOU BETCHA! However. I promised myself some time to recover, and (said through clenched teeth) rest. One month, July, while I'm home visiting my parents in Colorado. Hopefully in one month, with a bunch of at home PT, and non running exercise, I'll be back into form.

Now for my NEW Bucket List goal...hit a Crow with my car. Not as easy as it seems.

Thoughts About Burning Buildings.

Stockholm Syndrome....

I have these on-going rambling thoughts that occupy my mind space and keep me amused for hours on end. Here is today's thought. It all started while I was BORED STIFF putting laundry away.

I have this black hoodie that I LOVE. It is my "go to" hoodie. I've even (gasp) worn it to church. I got it at CHEZ TARGET about a year and a half ago. $19.99...worth every cent. This hoodie has a HUGE hole under BOTH arms now. (Big enough to put my whole arm into...I know because that's how I discovered this "hole" mess, excuse the pun...) Irreparable. It is a sad, sad day...

So, this is where the thinking comes in. Now keep in mind, that this is pure ramble...only because I know people who have lost everything (including family) in a fire, so this is a stupid "what if". HOWEVER, this hoodie is THE thing I would brave running into a burning building to save. Of course that is because everything else is out of the fire...family, pets, pictures, family history. etc... So thinking on the purely ridiculous side of this mock disaster, what would you save from a burning building?

Your response must be ridiculous...because you've saved everything important at this point and now you are down to comfort items. What would it be?

The reason for this ramble is two fold...
1). because I'm at a lost as to where and how to replace this hoodie.
2). because I'm mourning a little and it's just a THING.

I'm fairly certain that I'll be able to find a black hoodie that can replace this hoodie, that was in reality a replacement for the original black hoodie...that I would have originally run into a burning building to save.

I should be fine...soon.

My Newest Idea.

I've been contemplating a change...I was right in the middle of creating a new blog, just for me, when I had the thought that I have tremendous problems keeping up with one. SOOOOO...In order to have a blog that is both for me and a means for my far flung family to keep up with us, I've decided to have ONE blog, but two ways of posting. So if you don't want to read my personal ramblings, you don't need to. They will have the heading "Stockholm Syndrome" above them so you'll know they are completely about me, and not about my children's potty accomplishments, etc...

I'm gonna try this out soon...but not today. The little men SUDDENLY need my rapt attention.

Stake Conference Talk

This past weekend I had to speak in stake conference...pretty big grown-up stuff! Thought I'd post my talk so that all could enjoy. I wish my family could have been there to hear it, but in reality that would have been more nerve racking. Brian can tell you all how it really went, if you are wondering, but for now, here is the print version. ENJOY!

I love to run. Recently, because of a leg injury, I’ve been having to rest. I don’t rest well. Because of this particular injury, I’ve been spending a lot of time at Physical Therapy. During one appointment, the aide and I were talking about the differences between Slow and Fast twitch muscles. It was a fascinating conversation that I continued to think about for several days. In fact, it kept coming back to me and started to twist its way around the concept of building faith, much in the same way we build muscles. I’m grateful that the Lord blessed me to have those thoughts and to dwell on them because that is what I’ve been asked to speak on tonight: How I can build my faith.

The LDS website gives us this definition of faith:
“Faith is a gift from God, but we must nurture our faith to keep it strong. Faith is like a muscle. If exercised, it grows strong, if left immobile, it becomes weak.”

Human muscles contain a genetically determined mixture of both slow and fast twitch types of muscle fiber. This mixture is what separates the sprinters from long distance runners. Slow twitch muscles are programmed to be our endurance muscles. They are more efficient at using oxygen to generate fuel for continuous, extended muscle contractions over a long period of time. They fire more slowly, and can function for a long time before they become fatigued. It’s our slow twitch fibers that help us to run marathons. I like to think of these muscles as our “endure to the end” muscles.

Endurance muscles need a specific type of training. First, they need the chance to endure, good long runs. Next they need slow, consistent, weight baring exercise, the kind you do with little weights. In fact it’s those weights that do these particular muscles the most good. Finally and probably most important, and it pains me to say it, they need adequate rest.

Like these endurance muscles, our faith also needs a very specific type of training.
A quote from the talk “Help Thou Mine Unbelief” By L. Whitney Clayton given October 2001, states this:

Developing faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is a step-by-step, line-upon-line, and precept-upon-precept process. We promote the process of strengthening our faith when we do what is right—increased faith always follows as a consequence. If we exercise our faith daily with PRAYER, STUDY, and OBEDIENCE, the Savior helps our unbelief, and our faith becomes a shield to “quench all the fiery darts of the wicked”


I’d like to compare Study to the small weights one would use to strengthen endurance muscles. I believe that studying means much more than we can imagine. In order to exercise our faith we can study the scriptures, study the words of modern day prophets, study the covenants we have made with the Lord, and if we are able to attend the temple, participate and study there. Study our lessons both in church and in school, listen and respond to the still small voice, who is a great study partner.

I have a testimony that we can strengthen our faith in every situation we are in everyday, if we study the lessons out in our minds and apply the knowledge gained.

In Ether 12 :27 it states:
27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

He has promised to help us become strong through study…opening our minds and hearts everyday will help us to build our faith muscle.

Second I would liken obedience to a good long run. Running is a learned art, which consists of constant tweaking. Obedience is also a learned art, and it seems to me that it too consists of a good deal of tweaking. Again if we consider that faith is achieved a little at a time, by our study, then, we can assume that we obey a little better each time we learn something new.

The LDS web site said this about obedience. “We can strengthen our faith by keeping the commandments. Like all blessings from God, faith is obtained and increased through individual obedience and righteous action.

When I run, I have a slow foot. Recently I met with a form coach to help me. After running behind me for several minutes he told me how to fix the problem. Two very easy fixes, but I have had to change the way I hold my arms. While I wasn’t running badly, the new information helped me to place my feet more correctly, and in a way that would get me moving forward faster, and with better efficiency than before. As I have practiced this new form, I’ve noticed that my leg fatigues a bit faster, as I have to use my muscle in a slightly different way. It may take a couple of good long runs to fix that problem, but with obedience to the better form, my endurance will build.

In much the same way, the Lord gives us great coaching advice on how to move forward faster, and with more efficiency, but we must be open to both the suggestions and the long run involved. Sometimes the suggestions will mean that we might fatigue a bit, but part of obedience is enduring to the end, by trusting that the coaching is for our ultimate benefit.

I have a testimony of obedience. It has created a peace in my life that nothing else can bring.

Lastly I’ll liken Prayer to rest…Like I said before, I don’t rest well. Rest is the key to recovery. A tired muscle never performs to the best of its ability. In fact, even endurance muscles fatigue at some point, in running it’s referred to as ‘hitting the wall’. At that point, it seems like nothing but prayer will get you through. I do a lot of praying during my runs.

In life I often ‘hit the wall’. Prayer strengthens my faith by bringing my will in line with my Heavenly Fathers’ and, it gives me an opportunity to give my cares and concerns over to someone who can and will help. Most importantly, praying gives me the ability to rest.

I love in the 34th chapter of Alma, when he is teaching the humbled Zoramites about prayer and he lists the appropriate times, and places, and reasons for prayer. I’ll paraphrase:
19 Yea, humble yourselves, and continue in prayer unto him.
20 Cry unto him when ye are in your fields,
21 Cry unto him in your houses, yea, morning, mid-day, and evening.
26 But this is not all; ye must pour out your souls in your closets, and your secret places, and in your wilderness.
27 Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your hearts be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually

Just as I have trouble resting, I also have trouble handing my cares and concerns over to the Lord. Running has actually helped me to gain a testimony that Heavenly Father cares about all of the things that concern me. He cares how fast I am running, he cares how badly my leg hurts, and he cares that sometimes I am just not breathing well. He takes my burdens and carries them for me, so that I can run and not be weary. Mostly, I think he is just really happy that I’ve let him into the loop.

I have strengthened my faith by learning to pray, by studying out the ways that work best for me and by being obedient, even though sometimes I get fatigued by the process.
I have a testimony that prayer will indeed help us to strengthen our faith muscle. It will improve our study, and help us to be more obedient. Prayer will help us to find the rest that we need in order to endure all of the trials that face us.

Gratitude and Pride

I'm guessing...Anders at 2? Probably not more than 2 and a half.

This picture is notable for two things. The first being the ever present Binky, or in our family speak, KIKI. Second is the cars. The two things that 1). we NEVER left the house with out and 2). where the items of comfort in any given situation, church, grocery store, school, home...never without them. This being said...

Anders has given up the KIKI! All on his own. About 4 weeks ago he just gave them to Brian, completely unprompted and out of the blue, and stated his intentions of becoming a big boy. And he never looked back. If you ask him about it you receive his beautiful shy smile and the little mumble about being a big boy and not needing to have his Kiki anymore. I am so proud of him. He made it through the first couple of night with only a tiny, two minute suck to calm his brain down, then he would hand it to us and we would walk away. I am utterly amazed by the progress our little boy has made in his life! He is an amazing testament to hard work, (on his end), to overcome some huge challenges. I am thankful for the many hours of therapies, and the therapists, that have given him the tools he needs to function. What a blessing they are and what a blessing he is. I'm thankful to have had the huge support system we have, and to know that God sent this boy to us because WE needed the education, and because he trusted us to learn AND grow by helping him to learn and grow.

SO...on to the next thing. Whatever that may be. But, I'm happy to say that it's probably not going to be Anders' struggle, he is a big boy now.

I do have to mention for posterity's' sake, the fiery temper tantrums that have come with no "off" button... but those are making their way out as well.

An Update: But, Sadly, NO Deep Thoughts...

This is Elleory (front row, second from the left) singing in the Lake Washington School District Honor Choir Concert. It is a privilege given to a select few sixth grade students, and Ellie was chosen! After a few (5 total) practices, they preformed 4 very well sung songs. My favorite was the "meow" song, in which the whole choir meowed and acted like two different cats. One side was 'Bailey' and the other side was 'Bella'. The song was entitled "Comic Duetto Di Due Gatti"

The song is actually a song from an opera by Gioacchino Rossini, adapted for cats and little humans. Very Funny! We have made it through potty training! (CAVEAT: Anders has been trained since July) Both boys are now peeing in the potty! HAPPY DAY! After much resistance from Liam, and much persistence from Mommy, it actually went well and fast. Liam is not the guy who gets left behind. HOWEVER, he was very resistant to giving up his diapers, and wouldn't wear big boy pants for about a week, thank goodness for pull-ups. What finally got him over the hump? Princess Panties. YEP, you saw that right. I borrowed Princess Panties from my friend down the street, and Liam wore those pretty panties for the entire day. Maybe he just needed to be different from Anders? Who knows... it worked. He is now in regular boy undies, and is so potty trained that when Brian took him to the park today, he took off his pants and pooped in the grass. When a guy has to go, he has to go.

Anders, in his IKEA reptile hat. Which he loved THE day I bought it but won't put it on again. BUT, no one else (read Liam) can wear it either. It's all part and parcel of the sensory thing that comes with The Great Anders package. He has a thing about having his shirt off right now, also, sensory. I can't get him to wear a long sleeved shirt to save my life and he would wear shorts, if he could find them. (It's winter...they are hidden. I'm a resourceful mommy. ) What this boils down to is a naked Anders for a lot of the time he's at home. I fully support nudity. He come by his sensory stuff completely honestly. (From me. And I understand every little bit of it, but struggle helping him to get comfortable. We'll get there... I don't strip off and go into the street to play...very often.)

This cute boy is Elleory's Best Friend Braven. They do pretty much everything together, but most importantly they are snowboard buddies. For the last couple of Saturday's they have headed up to the mountains with his dad, and hit the slopes. Brian and I are green with envy, and are thinking about hiring a babysitter so that we too can hit the slopes. (We are all aware that every time I plan to go snowboarding, I end up pregnant, so maybe we ought to go. SOON.)FOR SALE: One very cute Three year old boy.

Totally Kidding...I would not sell him, but I do consider loaning him out.

I am actually scared about how much Liam looks like Max from "Where The Wild Things Are". Which is exactly how he is behaving lately...right down to the "I'll eat you up" phrase.

We have a saying in our home, "Angry Monsters Work." Liam has been cleaning out the car A LOT lately. He is very cute and very, very, three. I keep trying to remind myself that four is the reward for not killing them when they are three. Anders is so very, very four.

Thank Goodness!

Creation. A wander around my mind

Quite a few people know, mainly because I don't see the point in keeping it secret, that we are trying to have another baby. Brian and I have always felt like four is the right number for us as a family. In the [song] words of Big Bird..."[We] just adore four, it's the number for [us]." Also as many of you know...I'm just not really good at pregnancy. Well, not pregnancy per say, the "getting there" part, and also a little of the "staying there" part. Liam being the ONLY exception to this statement.

This time around we are coming up to our year mark, as to the decision to pull the (mostly unneeded) goalie, and go for it. Brian of course is going to correct me and say that while the goalie came out almost a year ago, I did officially panic and stepped up the defence a little, so we actually haven't been "trying" for a year, maybe 8ish months...BUT STILL...

I teach primary at church, the 11-12 year old class. This year we are studying the Old Testament in the Bible. Next week we are discussing the Creation. I found a quote from the Prophet Joseph Smith in my lesson for next week that gave me cause to pause, and think as I was reading. It goes like this... “Now, the word create came from the word baurau, which does not mean to create out of nothing; it means to organize; the same as a man would organize materials and build a ship”.

So here's the thinking part. Somewhere I've read, either in the Old Testament, or in the books of Abraham, or Moses in the Pearl of Great Price, that Jesus commanded the dust to ORGANIZE it's self into a world...and it obeyed. Viola, EARTH. Now this could be the Big Bang Theory, it could be the Creationism theory, it could be something we have never considered, it really doesn't matter to me.

The take-away from this is "CREATE=ORGANIZE".

God gave a Man and a Woman the Divine power to create life. I'm not trying to open an anti-gay subject here, but we all know that a man has a seed that reacts to the seed that a woman has to create a beautiful miracle. It's the way it's been since the beginning of time, and will be forever. Science STILL needs the seeds that humans create in order to make babies. Even to clone. Test tube babies are first organized as seeds taken from a man and a woman. I think you get the picture.

I pride myself on my ability to organize. I am really, fairly organized. Only a few areas of my life are under-organized. I work to straighten those out daily, and have realized that sometimes, those fall into the "forces of nature" category, and can't be forced into a box, or a folder, or even filed away, however...I'm an organized person. (Please, in no way, take this to mean that I could write a book on the subject...)

However, after today's wander through my brain, I have come to realize this...

Apparently I(my body) suck(s) at organization, and furthermore, I'm (my body is) not as obedient as even the dust of the earth.

I guess I'm going to have to see a specialist, and get ORGANIZED. :(