Once a Runner

Stockholm Syndrome

I just had bladder surgery. It's been an incredible, eye opening experience for me in just how whiny I am. I'm kind of amazed that Heavenly Father hasn't struck me down with lightening, or a car for that matter...

This is something that I've need to be taken care of for YEARS. I'm talking since childhood, and please know how very happy I am that medical science has come so far so that I could get my bladder fixed with out much fuss, without an extended hospital stay, with no more than 6 stitches. (That I can see.) With no more pain than 3 days worth and cured with Advil for the most part.

Easy Pee-zy! (pun intended)

So why the whiny? I have essentially a new body part. It has to learn to become part of my body community, scar in so to speak. So as part of the assimilation process, I can't run, can't lift anything heavier than 10 pounds, can't do yoga, squats, jump, cough too much, do the Physical Therapy I need for my leg injury, can't help my children sled, or even pick out my turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. I can't vacuum my house or put my Christmas tree up. Basically if it requires bending, lifting, moving fast etc...I can't do it. I'm trying to be very diligent because almost half of these surgeries don't work, and I'm trying to do all I can to make this work.

What has been particularly hard on me is the lack of running. My entire life revolves around my morning run. Every day but Sunday. I get up at 4 the morning, one hour earlier than my run time so that I can take my asthma medication, and an Advil. Read my scriptures, say my prayers and eat a little breakfast, so that I can(finally) go outside and run, and run faster, and run stronger. (And breathe and meditate, and think, and breathe, and focus, and plan, and enjoy, and breathe...) It is for me more effective than any drug a doctor could prescribe to help handle my depression and my inability to focus my mind. It quite literally does for me what I can't do on my own. That being said...I have to abstain for 6 weeks. Needless to say, I'm not getting up at 4 am to read my scriptures, OR pray. I'm rolling out of bed later, and later each day because the one thing I CAN do is walk on a tread mill, slowly. It is just not enough, or the same, and it's just not something I want to do. Need to do is not something that crosses my mind.

This is were the eyeopening part of this experience come into play. What a selfish child I am and NO WONDER Heavenly Father sends me trials! I've blogged before about how I don't rest well, and it is evident this time around that I don't. I've been trying to open my scriptures more, and I've definitely been praying, but I think the nature of those prayers needs to change. I've also been trying to think of things I'm thankful for everyday. Sometimes that is so hard especially when under the dark clouds of winter and depression.

Here is the end of this sad post, and hopefully some redemption...Two things I'm VERY thankful for that will keep me going everyday for three more weeks. Once a runner, always a runner, I know the day I'm released I'll be right back on the track working on a personal best. (Please let me never lose a leg. Thoughts for another posts.) AND, second, I can sneeze with a very full bladder without peeing my pants!

Maybe the time will go faster now.